Your Magical Girlfriend from Another Dimension
by SavemefromBordom
Summary: Fed up with their daughter's antics, the King and Queen of Mewni decide to do what any sensible parents of a high social status would do. Marry her off and make her some other family's problem! Things are about to get a little weird, and VERY wrong.
1. A Star Crash Lands to Earth

**So the basic premise of this idea is to re-imagine the story as a sort of parody of itself. Kind of in the same spirit is an abridged series, except minus the abridged part, since the original show was already pretty tightly compressed in it's 11 minute episode format, and I _suck_ at making things shorter. **

**Warning for explicit language, mentions of drugs and/or alcohol, sexual innuendo, and my weird sense of humor.**

 **Star and Marco are being aged up to 16 for this to make the premise, and resulting jokes that come with it, just a little bit less... wrong.** **While keeping them underage so it all still gets to stay just the _right_ amount of wrong ;)**

 **Cover art done by me.**

 **I'm also posting art and comics for this story on tumblr, Deviant Art, and instagram (Uh, find me as SavemefromBordom since this site is still weird about posting anything that resembles a link)**

 **Enjoy~ S.B.**

* * *

Far away in a magical land called Mewni lived a princess named Star Butterfly.

Who was currently being confronted by her parents.

"Star, we need to talk, about your antics." Moon stated.

"My antics? What antics?" Star awkwardly replied. " _Gasp!_ You're not sending my to St Olga's Conversion Camp for Lesbian Princesses are you? I told you that was just a phase!"

"No Star, we're not talking about _those_ antics." The queen dismissed with an eye roll. The royal pair then began walking over to a nearby window covered by a curtain.

"We're talking about _these_ antics!" River stated as he pulled away the curtain to reveal a half destroyed kingdom on fire with citizens running around screaming completely terrorized.

"Oooh, those antics," the girl nervously laughed. "So what are you going to do?"

Moon walked away from the window. "We're going to do what any self respecting parents with as high of a social standing as us would do with an unruly teenage daughter like you."

"Marry you off and make you some other family's problem!" River quickly interjected.

Star stood there with a worried expression forming on her face. "Um, so, who are you marrying me off to?" She asked. "Rich Pigeon?"

Moon looked aghast "What no, dear. We're not going to marry you to a pigeon."

"Then who? Tom? Wait! Not Rock Johanson, he's my cousin!"

Moon quickly dismissed the last one. "No Star, we haven't done that in generations."

"We're going to marry you to someone _not_ on Mewni." River then added

"Huh?"

"Yes," Moon quickly clarified. "In another dimension. Far away. Where you can't cause us any trouble. A safer dimension. A dimension called Earth."

...

"I'm sorry can you please repeat that?" The principal asked as two weirdly dressed strangers who arrived at his school through some portal in a carriage pulled by lion chimera things sat across from his desk. Meanwhile, their teenage daughter stood across the room turning the light switch on and off.

 _Click, click._

 _Click, click._

"And you said there was no magic on earth!"

River cleared his throat and proceeded to repeat himself. "We are a King and Queen from another dimension and we are looking to marry our lovely daughter off to a nice strapping young lad of your dimension."

"And what made you think I would be able to help you with that?"

"We heard your 'schools'" Moon replied air quoting on the last word, "are just brimming with young eligible men who would be perfect for our daughter. "

"Yeah, I'm a highschool principle, not a matchmaker. And I don't know how you do things on this 'Mewni' or where ever the H E double hockey sticks you're from, but that's not really how we do things here. So if you could kindly take your lion carriage, and your daughter, and please escort yourselves off our premises, that would be great."

The king and queen then exchanged glances at each other, before looking back to the principle smiling.

"If you were to help us find a suitable husband for our daughter" River spoke up, reaching to pull up a medium sized chest onto the desk between them, "you would receive a handsome commision," he then proceeded to open the chest "of her dowry!"

The principal's eyes nearly jumped out of his skull at the site of the gold and jewels before him. "Holy Moby Dick!" He instantly composed himself "Why yes, I do believe I have a sucker- I mean bachelor, that would be perfect for your lovely angel!" he stated as he began to look through his student files on his computer, "Just one moment."

 _Click, click._

 _Click, click._

"Star will you quit that already!"

...

"Marco Diaz! Marco Diaz to the principal's office!" the voice blared over the loudspeaker.

Suddenly a young man with brown hair and eyes eagerly got up from his desk.

"Oh, would you look at that? Marco Diaz, resident bad boy, is being summoned to the principal's office." He gloated to his fellow classmates. None looked impressed. Not that it stopped him. "I guess everybody who voted me safest kid in school, is finally catching on to the truth. I'm a rebel. I'm bad news. You wanna know what I did?" he asked getting in the face of one of his female classmates.

"Not really," the girl replied.

"I was caught smoking _pot!_ Right outside the teacher's lounge. Yeah, bad boy to the max."

The girl just stared at him blankly "You know marijuana's legal now right? It's, like, not even considered bad anymore."

"Wha?"

Another voice popped up from the back of the classroom. "Yeah! My grandpa uses it for his arthritis!"

The young man turned around making fists as the other kids began to laugh. "Damnit"

"Just go already" the teacher exclaimed.

"Wait you didn't give me a hall pass."

"What a dork!"

...

"Ah Marco, there you are!" The principal excitedly exclaimed as he rushed up placing an arm around the teenage boy's shoulder.

"Look if this is about the pot I was caught smoking it wasnt even-"

"What? No boy, we here at Echo Creek are happy to accommodate any and all medical needs for our students."

"Hmmf."

"No Marco I called you hear because I have a special assignment just perfect for kid like you. Say, you're single right?"

"What?"

"Haha, of course you are! A safe, takes no chances, practical, nice guy like you doesn't have a chance in dodging the friendzone of the average high school girl."

"Somehow my principle commenting on my love life doesn't seem appropriate."

"Haha, oh safe kid!" The principal laughed playfully slapping his shoulder. "Anyway, allow me to introduce you to our new foreign exchange student, Star Butterfly. She needs a nice young man to uh, show her around. Yeah that's right."

"Uh, is that her over there, trying to eat the drinking fountain?"

"Haha, ain't she a doll!" The principal exclaimed slapping his shoulder again. "Well I'll leave you to it. Now, if you excuse me, daddies going to the ice cream shop to get _all_ 52 _flavors_. Haha!"

"Wait, I don't think that's the direction of the ice cream shop! _Sigh_."

Marco then turned to the blonde haired girl with heart marks on her cheeks who had now stopped trying to eat the drinking fountain and was now glaring at it intensely.

"So, uh, hi there, uh, Star was it? I guess I'll be showing you around the school."

"Okay- that's coo- _ooohhh"_ Star turned around and got her first glimpse at the man who would now be her betrothed. Hearts in her eyes, and drool leaking down her mouth, she was instantly smitten.

Meanwhile back on Mewni, the King and Queen had just gotten back after dumping their daughter off.

"Well that settles that."

"River, Are we doing the right thing?" the Queen exclaimed with uncertainty.

"Sure we are! Come on she'll be fine. There's no magic on earth. She can't get into too much trouble. Soon she'll be married, and have little rascals of her own causing mayhem, and _she'll_ be the one sending _them_ off to get married in another dimension. Everything will be fine."

The queen let out a sigh, "I guess you're right."

The two began walking down the hall of their castle when Moon suddenly stopped, her eyes widened with realization... before narrowing with absolute _rage_. "She took my _wand_ , didn't she..." she stated through gritted teeth.

"Oh, that could be a problem."

While back on earth, the young woman was eagerly following her new husband-to-be completely enamored, and not listening to single word he was saying. All while nibbling on a small magic pink wand with a star and wings on it.

"Look whatever they say about me is wrong," Marco began unaware that his words were falling on deaf ears. "Watch out! Falling ceiling tile!" he exclaimed pulling Star out of the way as a ceiling tile almost crushed her. "Huh, this school can get kind of dangerous. Someone should probably do something about that."

"So cute, so safe" Star muttered in her daze. Marco continued but Star didn't hear any of it. She was too preoccupied, staring at his face, his eyes, his cute little mole.

"Watch out! Pile of used heroin needles. Huh, someone should probably do something about that too." Marco then continued, finishing off his speech with "Frankly, I like taking risks and would welcome a little danger in my life."

Somehow Star was able to pull herself out of her daze just enough to catch the last part. Danger? He wants _danger_ in his life? Oh she could give him danger!

Suddenly with a pink poof a small innocent butterfly was turned into a giant flying monster. It screamed right in Marco's face then proceeded to grab a nearby student flying off with him. "It's cool, I needed an excuse to get out of my math test anyway!"

"What the _fuck_ was that?" Marco exclaimed in terror.

"Well you said you wanted a little danger in your life." Star replied with a giggle.

Marco then proceed to slowly take a step back from the strange girl. "What _are_ you?"

"I'm your new magical girlfriend from another dimension!" she replied with a big smile as she proceed to spin around and created a magical rainbow covered in cute critters who looked at Marco with big adorable eyes… until the rainbow suddenly burst into flames.

Marco looked in shock. Then his face suddenly turned into a huge smile. "Okay, that concludes our tour!" he stated clasping his hands together. "I'm going home now." He turned around and started to walk away. Then the grin morphed into a look of pure terror as his walk turned into full on sprint.

"Okay, bye future husband! Bye!" Star waved, completely oblivious to the school fire alarm going off, the sounds of kids screaming, and the sirens as fire trucks and ambulances raced to the scene. "Star Butterfly, you sure nailed that one! You got that boy hook, line, and sinker. He's so happy he's running home to tell his parents the good news. Speaking of which…"

...

"Mom, dad, schools on fire we were all sent home early- whaaaaaat are you doing here?"

Marco walked into his house to instantly get blindsided by the sight of an unfortunately familiar looking blonde haired girl with pink heart marks on her cheeks sitting looking quite cozy on his couch between his parents.

"Hello future husband!"

"Oh Marco, we were just getting to know your new girlfriend." his mother exclaimed.

"My what?"

"Uh fiance." Star quicky corrected.

"Oh sorry. Your fiance. Hehe."

"My _what!?_ "

"Oh Marco, you didn't tell us you were such a ladies man to score such a energetic and lively girl as this." his father replied slapping him on the shoulder.

"I just met her today!"

"You work fast, just like your father. Haha."

"What is going on here?"

"Surprise!" the girl squealed "we're engaged!

"We're WHAT?"

"We're getting married!"

" _WHAT?_ " Marco then held up his hands as he slowly started to back away from the whole situation. "No no. Nonono. No no. I am not marrying this crazy person!"

"Of course you are!" his mother exclaimed smiling happily. "Her parents even gave us a dowry."

"Huh? Wait your selling me off?"

"What? No sweetie" his mother quickly corrected. "Her parents sell her off to us... with a bribe."

"You can't marry me off. I'm sixteen!"

"Oh, son don't worry," His father replied. "We all have cold feet at first, but soon you'll learn to appreciate the companionship and affection that comes with marriage."

"I could get that from a puppy!"

Star suddenly jumped up with glee "Oh. My. Gosh! I love puppies!"

Then suddenly with another pink poof a litter of puppies magically appeared in the middle of the living room. Marco's parents quickly looked in awe. Until a bunch of laser beams began shooting from their eyes almost destroying the room.

Marco's parents still looked at them aweing unfazed by the lasers. "So cute" his father stated picking up one of the puppies. That then proceeded to shoot him in the face. "Ow my eyes! I think I'm blind!"

Marco quickly glared at Star who looked back at him a bit sheepishly.

"It's okay, I can still feel their cuteness."

His mom quickly spoke up "Oh I know! Marco, let's go show Star to your room." She grabbed Stars hand and rushed to the stairs.

"Wait, did you say _my_ room?"

"Well of course," His mother stated from the middle of the stairs. "It's okay dear. you can share a room with your girlfriend."

"Fiance," Star corrected again.

"Even better!" the mother-in-law-to-be then leaned in to whisper to the girl "It's okay, you can still wear white for the wedding we won't tell." The two giggled as they ran up the rest of the way to Marco's room.

Marco couldn't believe what he was hearing "Wait, you're gonna let your teenage son share a bedroom with a girl he just met?" He asked following them as his mother opened up the door to his room.

"We like to think of ourselves as the 'cool' parents." His mother replied shoving him into the bedroom with Star. "We trust you! To practice safe sex. Since your the safety kid."

"Stop calling me safety kid!"

"Have fun you two. We're off to go look up second homes in Maui! Bye! Make good choices!" His mother shouted as she left the two teenagers alone.

Star then proceed to take a look around the teen boy's bedroom. "Oh not too shabby, but could use a bit of a, haha, _woman's_ touch." She then pulled out her wand and began to chant " **Mystic Sucking Room Transformo!**... Uh oh…"

Suddenly a giant black hole appeared in the middle of the room pulling all of Marco's things inside of it. The two clung the door frame barely able to pull themselves out of the room as the hole threatened to suck them inside it too.

"Suck? _Suck?_ Why was the word suck in that?" Marco yelled as they slammed the door behind them.

"I don't know it just kind of came out that way! I think I might have a bit of an oral fixation. Uh, come on it's not so bad, cheer up!" Star proceed to try to cheer Marco up with up mini sun above his head. That ended up turning into a perpetual raincloud. "Oh, um, oops."

" _Soggy. Socks._ " Marco gritted through his teeth. He couldn't stand soggy socks!

"Don't worry, I'm sure one day when we're old and married we'll look back on all this and laugh. Haha."

"Okay that is it! I'm done! We are not getting married! We are not sharing a room! You think you can come in from another dimension and just completely take over my life? Well, let me tell you something, Marco Diaz does not marry psycho magical girls from other dimensions!" The boy then proceed to to walk over to the window.

"Wait! Marco what are you doing?"

"You can't force me to walk down the aisle if both of my legs are broken!" He replied with a psychotic laugh as he prepared to jump out the window of the second story.

"What? Wait, Marco! No stop!" The blonde girl tried to stop him from jumping but she was too late.

"Owe."

The girl hesitantly looked out the window see Marco laying on a bunch of pointy plants in the front yard. "Are you okay?"

"Unfortunately the cactuses broke my fall."

"Are your legs broken?"

"No. Now I'm just in a lot of pain." To prove the point of the lack of broken legs, he got up and began to walk away. "Look just leave me alone!" He shouted back at her as walked, then added "And when you come to my house you bring toilet paper!"

"What's toilet paper?" Star asked to herself. Then she looked up to notice a giant muscular frog man standing on the tree branch just outside of the window. "Uh, hi."

The frog man suddenly jumped in surprise at being noticed. "Uh, you did not see anything." he stated as he grabbed a pair of scissors, cutting a portal in thin air, and jumping through it.

"Earth sure has some interesting wildlife for a dimension with no magic."

...

"Here he comes, here he comes, here he comes," The young man was standing outside a local Stop and Slurp, rain cloud still overhead, as he eyed a customer walking up to the front entrance "Hey you! You got any _pot?_ " he shouted.

"Uh, excuse me?" The customer asked looking very uncomfortable.

Marco grabbed him by the shirt "You see that old man cashier over there? He's got a joint stashed away in the break room, I _know_ it! He uses it for his _arthritis._ But he won't give me none 'cuz I'm sogg-eh."

"You're crazy man!" The guy shouted and he yanked himself free and ran away.

"Uh, hey Marco." The boy jumped suddenly before turning around to see a familiar blonde girl approaching him.

His eyes narrowed as he stared at her "Did you bring toilet paper?"

The girl rolled her eyes. "No, I came to apologize" She then waved her wand and with a poof the rain cloud was gone. He let out a sigh of relief to be rid of that, but still glared at her. Star tried to ignore the glare and continued.

"Look, I know it's hard to just suddenly have your whole life flipped upside down, and your parents want to push you off to marry some random stranger from another dimension. But, when I first saw you, I thought you were really cute, and sweet, showing me around the school, trying to keep me safe and stuff. I guess I just got a little carried away. I won't force you marry me, I'll find someone else. Maybe your dimension has a pigeon who's rich too."

Marco looked at her in disbelief "Wait, you think I'm cute?" He then opened his mouth about to say something else before being cut off by the sight of a bunch of giant looming figures that were approaching them. "Uh, St-St- Star?"

"Yeah?" The girl looked up at him hopefully, then noticed the he was gesturing to something behind her. "Huh?"

"Hello Star Butterfly!" A voice shouted.

" _Gasp!_ It's- uh who are you?" The magical princess asked confused as she stared at the group of monsters that appeared to be led by some small deformed looking bird thing wearing a skull on his head.

"What? I'm Ludo. Your arch nemesis?" The small monster replied.

"Yeah I'm pretty sure I've never seen you before in my life. Wait are you related to Rich Pigeon?"

"What? No!"

"You sure 'cause you kind of look like a pigeon. Well more like a mutated baby pigeon."

"I'm not a pigeon! Get her!"

Star quickly raised her wand prepared to fight off the monsters with magic, but before she had time to muster up a spell she was interrupted by Marco, of all people, who jumped up attacking the monsters instead.

"You can fight?"

"I may know a little karate," the boy replied as he started beating up the monsters.

"A little?" Star replied as the boy was quickly laying waste to the much larger and stronger opponents. "Well, gee, if that's not an understatement!"

Ludo angrily glared at the frog monster. "You said she was unguarded. No more ice cream privileges for you!" Then he turned back to the blonde girl. "Star Butterfly!" he announced "I'm here to steal your wand!"

Marco suddenly looked up from fighting "Wand? Wait, what wand?"

"Oh he's talking about this thing," The girl replied holding up the small pink wand in her hand. "You know, that I've been using to do all the magic. It's like some family heirloom or something. Swiped it off my mom before she left. Does all kinds of cool stuff. Makes a neat back scratcher." As if to prove her point, she suddenly took the wand and quickly used it to scratch a spot on her back. "Oh yeah that's the spot."

Ludo started reaching out to grab it while Star was in the middle of her explanation. But she quickly noticed yanking it out of his reach.

"Star Butterfly!" the monster repeated. "I'm here to steal your wand!... That you stole from your mother!" he added.

"Yeah, your wand stealing abilities are going to need to be a lot sharper than that if wanna get this baby from me. Maybe I can give a few pointers."

"Really? That would actually be very helpfu-"

 **"Bubble Beam!"**

"Aaahhhahooo You got me in the eye!" the tiny, not pigeon, exclaimed holding his eye. Then he looked back at his monsters with his one good eye and yelled "Well, don't just stand there! Get the wand you imbeciles!"

The monsters charged towards them. Marco braced himself but this time Star was the one to spring first.

 **"Hyperbeam Blast!"** she shouted.

 **"Solar Beam Ray!"**

 **"Midnight Munchie Mist!"**

"Want some more little pigeon man?" Star asked looming over the small monster as all his minions lay defeated on the ground.

"No." ludo replied. He got up, and pulled out a pair of scissors cutting a portal through the air. "You see you morons, this is what happens when you spend all your time eating ice cream! _All_ of you are losing your ice cream privileges! And I'm getting rid of the sprinkle dispenser in the break room. Now get up and let's go! Into the portal, into the portal. Ugh, you even retreat like whiny little bitches!"

"I'm _freaking_ _out_ man!" the frog man shouted as he stumbled into the portal, still under the effect of the Midnight Munchie Mist.

"Oh stop being such a baby, I just renewed your medical card. Mark my words, you have not seen the last of me Star Butterfly!"

Marco walked up to the girl stunned.

"That was… _TERRIFYING!_ What the hell? As if you weren't a menace enough! Now we have to worry about a bunch of monsters attacking us all the time too? And- and- okay admittedly it was kind of cool."

"Okay, well I guess I'll be going then." Star stated, remembering the conversation they were having before they got interrupted.

Marco looked at the sad girl as she slowly walked away. Just let her go Marco. He thought to himself. She's crazy! She's a complete psychopath! Think of how she destroyed your room! Think about how she almost got you killed! Think about the soggy socks! Think of- damnit why did he have to be such a nice guy.

"Star wait!" Marco winced as the words fell out of his mouth. He couldn't believe he was doing this.

The princess stopped and turned around.

Against all better judgement, Marco continued "Sure you set my school on fire with a flaming rainbow, blinded my dad with a laser puppy, destroyed my room with a black hole, and got my socks soggy with a rain cloud…" Marco paused to take a deep breath. Wait, why was he doing this again? Ah screw it, too late to stop now. "But, I did have bit of fun fighting monsters with you… I guess. And I think my parents already put a down payment on a house in Maui with the money your parents gave them, sooooo... I guess the least we could do is let you keep living with us."

"Oh Marco!" the girl jumped up with glee, yanking him into a deathgrip of a hug. "I can't wait till the wedding!"

"Whatever, let's just go home." The boy replied as he pulled himself free and began to walk home. "Wait let's cross at the light."

"Whatever you say…. _future husband!_ " Star squealed with delight.

"Uh yeah, we're going to have to talk about that."

"Gasp, talk wedding plans!?"

"Uh, no."

"We can pick out which inspirational quote we'll put on our chalkboard sign! Oh, how do you feel about lace and burlap?"

"I don't think so."

"What about just the burlap?"

"There's not going to be a wedding Star."

"Gasp! You want to elope? Oh you are a bad boy!"

"On second thought, maybe it would be better if I just let a car hit me right now."

...

Later that night.

"Welp, room's still sucked into black hole. Guess im sleeping on the couch," the boy announced as he hopped on the living room sofa.

"Wait!" the princess replied. "I can fix it!" Marco hesitantly followed her as she rushed up the stairs to the closed door that used to be Marcos room.

 **"Happy couple room redo!"** she chanted. With a satisfied look on her face she then proceeded to open the door.

"Wow," Marco let out in awe as he walked to the new room. It was huge! The ceilings towered overhead, there was even a stair case leading up to an upper loft, a couch, and his eyes fell onto a giant four poster bed. "This is amazing."

"Isn't it perfect. And the best part is we get to _share_ it!"

"Right…." Marco replied awkwardly scratching the back of his head. "Share...The two of us, together… and there's only one bed…." he added looking over to the giant bed that was certainly big enough for two. "Screw it I'm still sleeping on the couch."

* * *

 **And there we have it. Let me know what you think.**


	2. Party with an Earth Turd

_**It's gonna get a little weird  
**_ _ **Gonna get so very**_ **wrong  
** _ **More than an AU dimension  
**_ _ **This is a parody fanfiction**_

 _ **Gonna get a little weird  
**_ _ **Gonna reference bad memes  
**_ _ **Not just an AU dimension  
**_ _ **This is a parody- Woo-hoo!**_

 _ **Ba ba baaaa  
**_ _ **Yeah-ah!  
**_ _ **Da da daaaaaaa**_

 _ **I'm talking bad jokes  
**_ _ **I'm talking OOC  
**_ _ **Not sure how I'll get away with keeping it T~**_

 _ **Gonna get a little weird  
**_ _ **And oh so very wrong  
**_ _ **You've been fairly warned  
**_ _ **This is a parody fanfiction!**_

* * *

It was a quiet night on Earth as the two teenagers were hanging out in the kitchen.

"So, the doctor says my dad's eyesight might return in a couple days. Also, apparently the shelter doesn't accept magical laser beam shooting puppies. Anyway, food's ready." Marco turned around from the oven producing a giant plate of nachos.

Star clapped her hands with glee. Being a princess, she had never seen anyone actually cook before. She thought food just magically appeared on tables out of thin air summoned by little elves.

"Oh triangle food." She exclaimed grabbing a cheese covered chip. "I didn't know I scored a hubby who can cook."

Marco glared at her and rolled his eyes. "For the last time Star we are not getting- hold on." The two were interrupted by the sound of knocking at the back door. "Who comes knocking on the back door?" Marco asked to himself as he answered only to be met with absolutely no one.

"Huh" He looked around the darkly lit backyard. But he couldn't see anyone who could have been knocking. Until...

"YO! WHAT UP HOMESLICE!?"

 _"EEEEEEEEEKK!"_ The boy jumped throwing the plate of nachos into the air before fainting to the ground

"GASP!" Star let out from the doorway, " _Flying Princess Pony Head!_ " She exclaimed excitedly stepping outside, ignorant to the fact that she was stomping all over her betrothed's face.

"Hey-ey, what up B-fly!" The sparkling disembodied pony head announced. "Go grab that skirt that gives your dad an ulcer, because _we_ are going out tonight!"

"Oh my _gosh_!" Star exclaimed, clasping her hands together. "Are you taking me out for an early bachelorette party?"

"You know it girl- wait bachelorette party?" The pony asked confused.

"Oh, did you not hear the super spectacular awesome news?" The blonde princess replied. "I'm getting married!"

"You're _what?_ Bu-but," the pony head stammered "I always thought we had a little something special between us?"

"What? Pony Head, I told you that was just a phase."

"A _phase!"_

"Pony Head, don't worry." Star reassured her. "You're still always going to be my bestie."

"Sticking me in the friendzone huh, I see how it is. Okay, so where's the new bae?" the pony asked looking around.

"You're standing on him." A voice grunted from beneath them.

Star looked down. "Oh, oopsie" she exclaimed nervously as she stepped off her husband-to-be's face.

Pony Head looked at the earthling as he got up. "Huh? Girl, I thought you just said it was a just a phase? You leaving me to get married to some earth chick!"

"What, no Pony Head, Marco's a boy!"

"Huh," The pony replied inspecting Marco closely. "Could have fooled me with that little bitch ass scream."

Star then turned to the boy. "Marco, this is the Pony Head I told you about!"

"You did?" Marco asked confused. "I mean you _did!_ I totally don't pretend to listen to you when you blabber about Mewni stuff while wearing cordless earbuds in my ears." he replied laughing nervously.

"Anyway" The pony quickly continued, "You two, get ready to have a night of _BAAAAD_ choices, because I certainly did not come here to play monopoly. You know what I'm saying?"

"Oh this is going to be great!" Star exclaimed happily, pulling her bestie and her fiance into a group hug.

"Fine, why not." Marco replied exasperated. His parents had already left for the weekend to stay in Maui, so it wasn't like anyone was there to actually care if they went out somewhere.

"Great!" The pony exclaimed. "Now let's go!" she quickly coughed up a pair of scissors she had been storing in her mouth.

"Oh my gosh! _Dimensional scissors?_ " Star gleamed as the pony began to use her tongue to cut open a portal.

"How were you able to keep those in your mouth like that without gagging?" Marco asked.

"Oh that? I learned that trick from Star."

"Huh?"

"Come on Marco! Lets go!" Star exclaimed pushing him toward the portal.

"Wait are we going to another dimension?"

"Uh duh" Pony Head repled. "Dimensional scissors, other dimension. Now quit stalling and get falling!"

"Wait, falling?"

…

"AAAHHHH- owe." Marco expressed as he face planted to the ground. Meanwhile Star and Pony Head managed to just safely land on some conveniently placed cloud behind him.

"Where are we?" Marco asked as he got up realizing they were in some loud crowded magical night club.

"The bounce lounge!" Star eagerly replied.

"Aren't they supposed to card at a place like this?"

"Seriously," Pony Head remarked. "Where did your parents even find this turd?"

"Oh Marco! Careful!" Star exclaimed pulling Marco towards her. "Don't fall off the edge!"

"Whaaa?" Marco stared in shock as he realized he almost wandered too close to the edge of the dance floor noticing the fatal drop to a bunch of spikes below. "And I thought school was dangerous."

"It's cool. Don't let that freak you out." Star reassured him. "Honestly this place is really chill. Trust me."

Suddenly a skeleton at the bottom who looked like a previous victim of the spikes sprung to life _"Fall! Fall! Fall! Fall!"_

"Oh don't mind him, he always does that." The princess then looked around the club, eyes falling on a big box sitting off in the distance. "Oh yay! Photo booth!" She exclaimed dragging the two companions over to it.

"What a perfect way to document the night my bestie met my hubby!"

"Star, will you quit calling me your hubby already!" Marco shouted but Star ignored him pushing the trio into the booth.

The camera flashed as the three posed for picture after picture. Well except Marco, who just kept the same deadpan face for each photo.

"Now just you two!" Star eagerly exclaimed as she hopped out of the booth, leaving just the boy and Pony Head.

"Why?" Marco asked. He suddenly felt a chill down his spine as he hesitantly glanced over to the floating pony head who was now glaring at him intensely.

"Listen here _earth turd_ ," The pony began, zooming right into his face. "The King and Queen might be okay with you taking away their little girl, but Star is _my_ best friend. And I swear, if you so much as _hurt_ her, you're gonna find this horn shoved up where the stars _don't_ shine. _You know what I'm saying?"_

Marco gulped as he eyed the rather sharp looking horn on the horse's head. Not wanting to think about wear she was going to shove it.

"Now," the pony continued. "This night happens to be _real_ important to me. So _don't_ mess it up. _Got it?_ "

Marco quickly nodded

 _"Good."_

Marco gulped again as he walked out of the photo booth clutching his chest.

Star happily grabbed the photo reel as it popped out, eager to see the happy pictures of her bestie and hubby to be. "Huh?" Her eyes furrowed as she looked at the pictures. Four pics of the two with Pony Head looking like she was threatening an absolutely terrified Marco in each one.

"Marco what is this? You're _blinking_ in every single one of theses pictures! We're going to have to work on you photo readiness before the wedding!"

"Hey Star?" Marco awkwardly asked as the pony flew off to go dance with some clubbers. "Can we talk, about your friend?"

"Isn't she great?"

"Uh, she kind of just threatened to skewer me in the photo booth."

"Oh... yeah," Star nervously replied. "She can get a little... possessive."

"But that's just her playing around though right? It's not like she would ever actually hurt anyone... right?"

"Uh, yeah…." Star replied awkwardly, glancing down at the skeleton that was still lying in the spike pit beneath the bounce lounge. That, uh, _totally_ had nothing to do with Pony Head.

Totally.

Had _nothing_ to do with the flying princess pony head.

"It's okay though!" Star eagerly replied squishing Marco's face in her hands. "She wouldn't dare do anything to my future husband!"

"Right…" Marco nervously replied to himself. "Future husband… oh this is not gonna bode well for me is it."

"Hey Pony Head," Star yelled out. "Let's go check out the amethyst arcade! I think Marco might like that better!"

"No way girl! I'm getting my dance on!" The pony replied, as she was currently riding some random chick. But she looked up and noticed something in the distance. A trio of scary shadowy looking dudes in uniforms stepping out of a portal of their own. "Huh? Uh oh."

The pony quickly produced a pair of scissors out of her mouth as she announced. "You know what, this place blows, and not the good kind. Amethyst arcade it is!"

"How are you even able to operate those with just your tongue." Marco asked as he watched her open up another portal.

"Oh trust me, that's not the only thing I can do with this tongue."

...

"Whoa, so many video games!" Marco expressed in awe as he looked on at the rows and rows of pixelated screens. There _may_ have been a little drool leaking out of his mouth.

"Yeah yeah," Pony Head replied, "and full of squares just like you."

"I know!" Star spoke up. "Why don't you two go play Lance, Lance, Revolution, while I go get us some icicles."

"Come on turd, let's go play." the pony began to float over to the LLR game, but quickly stopped as she noticed the same trio of scary looking guys from the club. "Uh, on second thought, you can go ahead and start the game without me. I need to tell B-fly what flavor icicle I wanted."

…

"Hey Star, I'm bored. Let's bounce to this other club." the pony quickly announced as Star grabbed three icicles from the concession stand.

"Okay, let me go get Marco."

"Oh, he went on ahead to save us seats. Yeah, that's right. "

"Um okay," the princess replied with uncertainty, "But, that really doesn't sound like Marco."

"Trust me girl."

Marco sighed as he placed a bunch of quarters into the Lance Lance Revolution game. He felt a tap on his shoulder. "Look dude, sorry but your just gonna have to wait your tuuuurn… uh oh."

...

"Oh yeah! Isn't this fun Star?" The pony eagerly pronounced as the two were crowd surfing in a giant mogepit as a band played loudly at the stage.

"I guess," the princess hesitantly replied. "But I don't see Marco anywhere."

"Psh, we don't need him. You got me girl! And I'm _way_ more fun."

Star glanced off to the side nervously before looking back at her friend. "Uh, what are you talking about?"

"Um, okay, funny story, you're gonna love it. I kind of left him in the other dimension."

"What?" Star replied as the crowd proceeded to dump the two at end of the crowd surf. "Pony Head! How could you?"

"Hey, I'm trying to keep you from making the biggest mistake of your life!"

"Pony Head! You _lied_ to me!" Star exclaimed as she got up. "That story was _so_ not funny. And you tricked me into ditching my fiance!"

"Oh come on, are you really that dense? He doesn't even like you!"

"That can change!" Star shouted turning around her folding her arms in protest. "I'm going to have at least four seasons worth to win him over." she stated over her shoulder, then added "You know, I was going to make you the maid of honor at our wedding, but now I'm thinking that maybe I'll just have to give that privilege to one of your _sisters_ instead!"

"What?" The pony head's eyes widened. "You wouldn't!"

"I would." The princess replied.

The pony let out a sigh. "You're really determined to go through with this huh?"

Star stared back at her with total seriousness. "I already started my pinterest board."

"Fine," The pony head stated exasperated producing the pair scissors from her mouth. "Let's go save your boyfriend."

"Uh fiance." Star corrected.

"Whatever." The pony began to cut open another portal "B-fly, I swear. If you make me wear an ugly bridesmaid's dress..."

"I was thinking burlap."

The pony glanced off to the side at no one in particular. "Okay, if I had hands, I would be face palming right now."

...

"Now, for the last time, where did they go?" A figure loomed over Marco as he was currently tied to a chair being interrogated.

"Look I'm telling you, I don't know!"

"Not gonna talk eh," the figured replied. "Well what if I did _this!_ " He then pulled out a lamp and proceeded to rapidly turn it on and off.

 _Click click._ _Click click_.

Marco just stared at him unimpressed. "What is _that_ supposed to do?"

"Well, if you were epileptic it could trigger a seizure. That's pretty terrifying, right?"

"I'm not epileptic."

"Oh, then I guess it's just really annoying then isn't it?"

"Yeah."

"Hey creeps!" The group looked away to see Pony Head, as she triumphantly come to the rescue. "I hear you're looking to ride a pony!" she then leaned in to whisper to Star "I'll distract them go free Marco!"

"There she is! Get her!" One of the three figures shouted as they all began chasing after the pony.

While his interrogators were distracted, Marco took the opportunity to see of he could wiggle out of the ropes. He was able to get one of his arms free right as Star ran up to him.

"Don't worry Marco I'll get you out of there!"

"Wait Star! My hand is free! I don't need you to-"

Star ignored him as she took in a deep breath as she got ready to yell out a spell "bondage-" but she was quickly cut off by Marco shushing her with his free hand.

"Star, my hand is free."

"Bu-"

"My hand is free Star. I can get myself out of this."

"Bu-"

"I don't need you blasting me with magic!"

"Uhg, fine." The princess replied disappointed lowering her wand.

After Marco was free, the two ran off to go help the disembodied pony head as she was being chased around the arcade by the uniform clad figures.

"Don't you dare hurt my bestie!" Star shouted jumped in between Pony Head and the three figures holding up her wand in defense.

Marco then spoke up from behind "Uh, yeah I'm still not really over the whole ditching me and threatening me thing, so I don't actually care what happens to her."

Pony Head glared at him. "Hey, I came back to rescue you!"

"And you're also the reason I needed rescuing in the first place!"

"Psh, so, like, what's your point?"

"Will you two cut it out." Star shouted over her shoulder. "You'll have plenty of opportunities to brawl it out at the wedding. We'll even have an open bar."

"We can't have alcohol at our wedding Star, we're underaged."

"So you _DO_ admit there will be a wedding!"

Marco face palmed. "I walked straight into that one didn't I?"

"Like a preacher's son into his first gay bar." Pony Head remarked.

"Who are you people anyway?" Star demanded. "Are you some kind of terrorist group out to kidnap princesses and hold us for ransom? Force us into prostitution? Sell us into slavery to work at theme parks!"

"What? No!" One of the uniform clad figures remarked. "We're counselors. _Camp_ Counselors."

"What kind of camp are you running?" Marco asked eyeing the trio that looked like they could have come strait from a Nazi concentration camp.

"Only the _best_ kind of camp." The figure remarked with glee. "St. Olga's _Conversion_ Camp for Lesbian Princesses!"

Pony Head let out a loud sigh behind them. "They're here for me."

"So I was right! This was all your fault!" Marco gleamed.

"What?" Stated looking over at her friend. "But Pony Head why!"

"Ugh, I did this to myself. I've done kissed one too many princesses B-fly."

"Something tells me you've done more than kiss..." Marco pointed out, but the pony ignored him. (Though she wasn't exactly gonna deny anything either, _heheh_ )

"And now they're sending me to St. O's."

"Nooooo!" Star exclaimed looking at the pony with huge sad eyes.

"Its okay Star," Pony Head tried to reassure her. "I've seen the movie 'But I'm a Cheerleader.' I will make it through this. And at least I got to spend one last night with my girl. Even if she is about to throw her life away to marry some turd. Here," the pony coughed up her scissors."Take my dimensional scissors that I, uh, totally did not steal from Hekapoo."

"Then why do they have her name on-"

"Not the only kind of scissoring she's into, girl." Pony whispered to her with a wink. "Okay, I'm going now. Take care. Hugs. Kiss."

"But no tongue."

"And remember," the pony head turned to Marco getting right in his face again. _"You_ hurt _her? You're gonna be screaming like a little bitch_ permanently."

Marco could feel himself gulp again.

"Okay Bye!" The pony announced as she was led away to a portal that one of counselors had cut open. "Don't forget to send me a Save the Date! And B-fly you better not go dress shopping without me! I ain't wearing no burlap sack girl!" Star gripped onto the dimensional scissors as the pair watched the pony as she was escorted into the portal.

"Uh, is she gonna be okay?" Marco asked with a bit of legitimate concern in his voice. "I mean, I don't like her, but 'conversion camp' sounds pretty serious."

"Oh she'll be fine." Star reassured him. "I've heard it's not even that bad. Besides, she'll probably just end up burning the place to the ground after the first month anyway. Just like she did when her parents tried to send her to ballet camp."

"And just when I thought your enemies might end up being the biggest threat to me," Marco began. "Turns out your friends are even worse."

"Oh, that's nothing." Star assured the boy, placing an arm around his shoulder. "Wait till you meet my demon ex boyfriend."

"Great…"

* * *

 **Whooo~ second chapter up.**

 **First I want to say that I am soooo happy to see this get the positive reception it's gotten so far. This started out as a silly musing of how an abridged series would work for show that's already pretty silly and parodies the magical girl concept as it is. But suddenly I got this idea of Star saying "I'm your magical girlfriend from another dimension" and, well, everything just kind of snowballed from there. So thank you to everyone who's read, reviewed, and favorited this story already. You guys are awesome!**

 **So to give a heads up, I'm not sure what my update schedule is going to be, but so far these chapters are seeming pretty easy to write. I might be able to manage somewhat weekly updates for now.**

 **Also, I won't be doing every single episode. So far the episodes I will be skipping include:**

 **School Spirit, because I just can't think of anything that warrants a complete rewrite for that episode. I mean Star mistaking football for war is a pretty solid concept, there's not much further I can take it.**

 **The Other Exchange Student, since Star's not a foreign exchange student that Marco's family is just hosting in this version.**

 **And finally Cheer Up, Star, because the episode plot revolves around Star's crush on Oskar, which she doesn't have in this version.**

 **So far, all the other episodes for season 1 are on my roster, and events in any episodes I skip may still be referenced later on.**

 **I currently have a poll on my profile for which episode from season 1 you guys are most excited to see me tackle in this story. So please go check it out and vote! You can pick up to five.**

 **And once again, thank you to everyone reading this!**

 **S.B.**


	3. F for Fantastic

**I do not, nor will I ever, own Star Vs the Forces of Evil.**

 **Let's be real, would you let me own it after reading this? Wait, don't answer that.**

 **-S.B.**

* * *

"I can't believe I get to go to earth school! This is going to be so much fun!" Star exclaimed with glee as the two teenagers were walking down the halls of Echo Creek Academy.

"Star, do you even know what a school is?" Marco asked.

"A place where you find future husbands duh."

"Yo, it's the magic girl! What up!" A voice shouted as a crowd of students walked by eagerly greeting the princess.

"Wow," Star began after offering a student a high five. "Everyone here is so nice! My parents should have kicked me out the castle years ago! Come to think of it, I'm not sure why it took them so long." she contemplated before turning to Marco. "They even gave me my own nickname Marco, 'Magic Girl' not as cool as 'Safety Kid' but it works I guess."

"Haha very funny." Marco replied. "And you haven't even met the coolest people here."

"Oh, is it the cool looking girl over there with the beanie?"

"What?" Marco looked up to see the all too familiar dark haired girl Star was referring to. "Oh, no. That's just Janna. She likes to get into all kinds of trouble. Probably best to just stay away from her." He replied turning around to walk in the other direction before being spotted.

"Yo safety kid!"

Too late.

"Stop calling me safety kid!"

"I only do it because everyone else does." The dark haired girl replied.

"Everyone else only does it because you hacked into the school yearbook to add that in as a prank!"

"Heheh, oh safety kid," The girl remarked slapping Marco on the shoulder before turning her attention to Star. "Yo, you the magic girl?"

"I sure am!"

"Can you do all kinds of magic stuff?"

"I sure can!"

"Can you raise the dead?"

"Uh, I don't think so…"

"Oh." Janna replied disappointed.

"But I used to date this demon guy named Tom who could. We had to break up because he had some anger issues to work out. That and he roasted my bunny."

"Nice," Janna placed an arm around Star's shoulder. "I think you and me are gonna get along."

"Marco look! I made another friend!"

"Great." Marco replied with an eye roll. "Anyway, I was going to introduce you to _my_ friends. Alphonzo and Ferguson."

"Is that them over there trying to talk to girls with faces drawn on their stomachs?" Star asked.

"Yeah, I'm not really sure why I hang out with them now that I think about it."

...

"Good morning class," Miss Skullnick announced to the class of disinterested teenages. "Before we begin our absolutely riveting, uhg, lesson for today, I'll be passing out the grades for your pop quiz from yesterday."

"Look Marco," Star gleamed holding up the paper the teacher placed on her desk. "I'm totally nailing this school thing. I got an F on my quiz thingy. Which I'm assuming _must_ stand for _Fan-tastic_."

"Uh, F doesn't stand for fantastic Star." Marco replied.

"Then what does it stand for?"

"Fucked. It stands for fucked."

The girl stared back down at her grade, then thought of something "But couldn't that be a good thing?" she remarked to the boy with a smile.

"Not in this case." Marco stated. "It means you failed."

"Well, what grade did you get?"

"Only the best grade you can," the boy gloated holding up his own quiz results. "A _plus_."

Star looked longingly at the grade witten on his paper. "What does the A stand for?"

"Awesom-"

 _"Asskisser."_ a voice coughed behind him.

"Janna!"

"A plus, nice job Marco." A female voice sounded.

Marco looked up to see none other than…

 _"Jackie Lyn Thomas!?"_ Marco stared in awe at the green eyed, teal streak adorned, blonde goddess that stood before him. Completely flabbergasted that she'd even talk to him let alone compliment him on his academics.

"Maybe you should help me study next time." the girl remarked with a wink.

"Hahaha, yeah..." The boy could feel himself grinning like a complete dofus as he could only stare transfixed in a daze as she walked away.

"Wha?" Star glared with narrowed eyes at this new threat as she took her seat a few rows over still eyeing her brown haired husband to be. "Who's that witch making goo goo eyes at my Marco?"

"Jackie Lyn Thomas." Marco replied still grinning like an idiot. "Only the hottest girl at Echo Creek and I _totally_ have a crush on her."

"You _what!?_ " the princess exclaimed.

Marco rolled his eyes. "Star, I'm allowed to like other girls."

"But we're engaged!" Star remarked jabbing him in the chest with her finger. "Your parents already spent my dowry!"

"Look Star," the boy began pushing her hand away. "That's not how things work here on Earth. Well, in the United States at least. You can't just marry off your teenage kids to whoever and just expect them to go along with it. We have choices about who we marry here. And laws about marrying underaged." then Marco thought for a moment. "Well, except for Utah."

"Bu-but-" The princess began to protest but Marco cut her off.

"Sorry Star, that's just how it is." He replied with a shrug.

The princess glared at the boy, then she glared over at 'Jackie Lyn Thomas' before scooting her desk away and over to her new beanie wearing friend. "Janna. We have to do something. Marco has a crush on Jackie!"

"So?"

"So? He's supposed to be engaged to me! But he says no one can force him to marry me, all because we're not in Utah." the princess clenched her fists on the desk as her glare switched between her hubby to be and the new threat.

"So what are you gonna do?" Janna asked. then her eyes got wide with excitement "Wait are you gonna kill her?"

"What? _No!_ "

"Awe."

Star looked back over to her new competition finger on her chin contemplating "I'm thinking we set her up."

"Frame her for murder!" Janna replied excited again.

"No! I mean like with someone else."

"Awe."

"You know, I'm as good at match making as I am with magic." Star gleamed holding up her wand.

"Okay then who?" Janna asked.

"Oh I know. Tom!"

Janna looked at her, "Wait, demon ex boyfriend Tom? _Bunny_ roasting demon ex boyfriend Tom?"

"Yeah. It'll be great. I hear he's been working on his anger issues. Besides they'll be perfect together! He's a fire demon from hell. She's got this water thing going on with the seashell and teal in her hair. It's perfect!"

"Uh, I don't think that's really how it works." Janna remarked "You can't just take two people who've never even met and just decide they're perfect for each other."

"Why not? That's what my parents did with me and Marco and look how well that's turning out!"

"So well you have to off your competition just to keep him."

"I told you we're not killing her!"

"Suit yourself." Janna replied "But if you change your mind, I know a guy."

"Hmm," Star sat there contemplating again. "Maybe I can set her up with Ferguson…" she then glanced over to the hefty red haired boy as he was currently sitting at his desk with his shirt pulled up still playing with the face drawn on his stomach. "Or maybe not. Oh! I know! I should set my teacher up with someone. And use that as a way to get her to change my grade from an F, that does _not_ stand for fantastic apparently, to an A. For, uh, A. There's absolutely _nothing_ that can go wrong with that plan."

...

"Star what did you do?" Marco had just walked into their room after getting home from school and was attempting to process the current scene that stood before him.

He saw a very guilty looking Star with a figure who looked like she could have been their teacher Miss Skullnick, except she was green and monstrous looking and tied to a chair looking as shocked and horrified as him at how recent events had gone.

"I, uh, may have turned our teacher into troll…."

"Why?"

"I was trying to set her up on a date…"

"Why?"

"Look Macro, if we're going to make this relationship work you're just gonna have to learn how to not worry about this silly little thing call 'why' when things like this happen."

"Star we're not in a- Oh never mind."

"See you are learning!"

"But _why_ would you bring her here?"

"Hey what did I just tell you?"

"This is horrible!" the monstrous woman cried. "look at me, I'm hideous. I'm- I'm- I'm absolutely _heinous_."

"No no no, we haven't even gotten to that part of the story yet." Star remarked.

Miss skullnick ignored her as she continued to cry, huge troll tears coming out her eyes like a faucet. The teenagers attempted to try and pacify their teacher all why completely unaware they were being watched. Outside the window perched on a tree branch was a familiar muscular amphibian. He let out a laugh as he observed the scene before him, before quietly slipping away.

...

"Ludo! Master!" The frog announced as he jumped through a portal into a giant looming castle. "The butterfly princess has returned home from the earth school. And she seems… _distracted._ "

"Distracted?" The small, not pigeon, monster lord replied from his perch atop his thone tower of pillows. "Excellent!" Then he hopped off and began to pace in front of his monster army. "This is the moment I've been waiting for. Finally! I will get my hands on that _glorious_ wand!" he turned back to his army. "You see, it's all part of my 3 step plan." The avian monster stated pulling out a tripod with a series of presentation boards labeled 'Ludo's 3 Step Plan.'

"Step one," he began, pulling off the first board to reveal the first step. "Steal the wand! I think that one's pretty self explanatory. I mean, we've already been working on this step for quite a while, am I right? So I don't think I need to go into too much elaboration there, do you? Well? Yes? Thought so. Okay, moving on!"

"Step _two!_ " He continued revealing the second step. "Star in my _own_ fanfiction parody series!" The monster lord stated with glee. "Wait no, not a parody, that's lame." He suddenly remarked after contemplating. "On second thought, I wanna star in something way cooler than that. Something _darker_ and _edgier_. Like, I know! Maybe some alternate universe where I get tortured and then my mind gets split into two. Yes! That sounds _so_ much better! And then some dashing rogue from another dimension can come to my rescue. Haha! It's _perfect!_ "

The monster was briefly lost in a daze before noticing that he was being stared at by his minions. "Uh, right. Ahem, moving on." Ludo gleefully ran back up to the presentation. "And finally step _three!_ The most important step of them all!" He stated, pulling away the previous board to reveal...

"Lose my castle and get pushed aside to make room for a better and more competent villain- _wait a minute!_ "

The monster lord glared at the presentation. "Lose my castle? Get pushed aside for a better-? Who did this!" He demanded looked back at his monster army as they snickered "Okay who was messing with my 3 step plan? Come on, fess up. I know it had to of been one of you. There's an ice cream smudge in the corner!" he looked around as each minion avoided eye contact whistling innocently. "Ugh never mind, I'll deal with it later. In the meantime," The avian monster looked off in the distance at no one in particular "I'm coming for you _Star Butterfly!_ "

...

Meanwhile back on Earth the two teens had made absolutely no progress in resolving their current situation. All they managed to do was get Miss Skullnick to flood the room with tears and get Marco's socks soggy... again.

"Star, this isn't working. I think you need to call someone who actually knows what they're doing when it comes to magic to help reverse this. I think you need to call your mom."

"What?" Star replied in horror. "No way! I can't call my mom about this!" The princess shifted her eyes back and forth nervously "She doesn't know I took the wand!"

"I'm pretty sure she's probably figured it out by now. Star, just call your mom already."

Star looked between Marco, her troll turned teacher, and the the flood of tears they were standing in and sighed. "Okay _fine._ " She slumped to a mirror that was hanging on her wall. "Mirror Mirror on the Wall, Call Mom."

 _"Calling Tom."_ came the automated reply.

"What no! I said mom not Tom!"

"Demon ex boyfriend Tom?" Marco asked.

"Star!" A voice came from the mirror as an image of a horned pink haired demon boy filled the glass.

"Sigh, I really need to get this thing fixed. Sorry Tom, meant to call _Mom_ not you! Bye!"

"Wait Star! You're here, I'm here, let's talk."

"Hmm," The blonde haired girl contemplated. "Hey Tom, how do you feel about teal?"

"What?" Marco spoke up "Why are you asking him about teal?"

The girl ignored him. "And you know how to skateboard, right?"

"What's a skateboard?" The demon boy asked perplexed.

"Okay, no, we're not doing this right now Star." Marco stated as he rushed up to the mirror to hang up. "You need call your mom."

"Okay fine." The girl sighed. "Call Mom."

 _"Calling Mom."_

This time the mirror was filled with the image of the white haired queen. "Oh Star darling, what a pleasant surprise."

Star could only stand there, avoiding eye contact as she attempted to make awkward small talk. "Haha, hey there... _Moooooooom_. How's it going?"

"Oh, just splendid. I managed to plant some lovely roses in the garden. And prevented your father from trying to pee on them... again. But you know, when I was leaving Earth I couldn't help but notice something. Something of value of mine that was missing when I came back?"

"Oh um, you noticed I borrowed $20 from your purse?"

The queen stared blankly at the girl. "Yes. Also, I noticed my _wand_ was missing."

"Hahaha, Imagine that. No idea where that could have gone." Came the awkward response as Star tried to hide said magical artifact behind her back as nonchalantly as possible

"Star, did you steal my wand?" the queen asked bluntly.

"Whaaaaaaat? Nooooooo... Uh, maybe…"

"Star you don't understand what you are messing with! That wand is not a toy! It's an important and powerful magical family heirloom that must be contained to the butterfly royal lineage! If it were to fall into the hands of the forces of evil it could have catastrophic consequences and end life as we know it across all dimensions!"

"Uh sorry mom, we're breaking up." Star quickly stated as she rushed to the mirror shaking it "Crsh, crsh. Uh…" she suddenly eyed an alarm clock that was sitting by the bedside table and quickly reached over to grab it.

"And for the last time Star! it is _not_ a back scratcher!"

 _ **Crash**_

Marco watched as the remnants of the mirror fell to the ground after the clock make contact with the surface. "What? Star! Why did you do that?"

"What is with you and this 'why' again?"

"What was all that talk about forces of evil and ending all life as we know it?"

"Oh that's just mom talk. Always trying to make things sound like they are a _way_ bigger deal than they actually are. Don't worry. And for your information, I don't need my mom's help! I can _totally_ fix this." The girl then turned around to see an empty chair surrounded a bunch of rope on the ground. "Wait, where'd she go?"

"She jumped out the window."

"How did she fit out the window?" Then the answer came when Star noticed the giant teacher troll shaped hole in the wall where the window was. "Oooh, how did I not notice when that happened?"

The two teenages looked out the window to see their teacher trying to make a break for it across the yard.

"Quick! We have to stop her!" Star shouted hopping out the window followed by Marco as both teens managed to land right on Miss Skullnick. "Nailed it."

"Haha, let's see you nail _this!"_ a voice came from behind.

"What? Pigeon guy again?" Star asked.

"I am not a pigeon! Get the wand!"

Star held up her wand ready to fight as a barrage of monster minions came at her.

 **"Hydro Pump!"** She shouted.

 **"Thunderbolt! Thunderbolt!"**

 **"Bite Attack!"**

 _"Owe, she actually bit me!"_ came a cry from an unfortunate minion.

Meanwhile Miss Skullnick was hoping to use the resulting battle as a distraction so that she could finally make her getaway from the crazy magical teen and her friend/fiance (was that even legal?). That is until a magic blast sent a Minotaur monster right into her knocking her down.

…a rather _handsome_ Minotaur monster that is.

Star took moment from her battle to notice the two new love birds making goo goo eyes at each other. "Awe… _bite attack~_ "

 _"Why do you keep biting me?"_

The princess turned to Marco, "Hey Marco, you can handle these guys with your super cool kung fu black belt karate moves right?"

"Wait Star, I'm only a green belt!"

"Knew you could do it! I'll be right back." The princess replied, leaving her fiance to be to handle the monsters alone, ignoring the panicked look on his face as the monsters stared him down.

"Hey Miss Skullnick!" Star began, catching the troll teacher as she was attempting to hop the fence. "I think that guy over there is _totally_ checking you out."

"Really?" the teacher replied sheepishly as she eyed the Minotaur who gave her a flirty wave as he prepared to pummel Marco.

"Yeah, totally. You should go say hi."

"Well okay." The teacher hoped off the fence and made her way over to the monster.

"Whew, see I _am_ good at match making." The princess stated at no one in particular.

"Uh star, a little help?"

"Oh, right." Star took out her wand and she jumped into the air, spinning around **"Mega Super Sonic Narwhal Blast!"**

The spell blasted each and every monster knocking them all down. She then proceeded to walk over to the now defeated Ludo. "I'll take these" she stated, grabbing the interdimensional scissors from the monster lord, proceeding to open a portal and tossing him through it. "Okay, everyone out! Go home! Nothing to see here. That was a good try guys but I'm afraid you are all going to have to get F's on that one. I know it sounds good but believe me the F does _not_ stand for Fantastic! I repeat, the F does _not_ stand for fantastic!"

Star ushered the monsters one by one through the portal. "You two," She stated as Miss Skullnick and her new bae approached the portal arm in arm "Send me a postcard from the honeymoon!"

...

"Where's our teacher?" A student asked as the class was taking their seats but Miss Skullnick was nowhere to be seen.

"She may have run off with a minotaur monster through a magical scissor portal. I don't think we're going to be seeing her for a while." Star responded with glee. "Yep, if there's one thing I've learned from my parents, it's that _all_ your problems can be solved by hooking someone up with a person they've _never_ met before from another dimension." Then she glared over at a certain teal streaked skater girl sitting a few rows over. "You're next Jackie~"

Suddenly out of nowhere a portal opened up in the front of the classroom as a certain Miss Skullnick popped out looking disgruntled.

"Humf"

"Whaaa? What are you doing here?" Star asked "What happened to running away with your new boyfriend from another dimension?"

"He dumped me!"

"Huh?"

"See, I told you" Janna responded leaning over to Star "You can't just take two people who never met before and decide they belong together."

"I guess I'm not as good at matchmaking as I am with magic." The princess replied disheartened.

"Nah, I think you're equally good at both" Marco responded "… in that you suck. At both. You suck hard."

Star let out a giggle "Hehehe, _well-"_

"That was _not_ meant to be an innuendo Star."

* * *

 **Sooo I live.**

 **I was _planning_ on finishing and posting this chapter a lot sooner (yeah I know, weekly right?) but then life happened, and work, and blah. Anyway here it is! ... Finally!**

 **And yes, Ludo's fanfiction fantasy is a reference to The Royal Protector by The Eternal Winter, which is _awesome_ by the way.**

 **Also, I still have the poll on my profile if anyone still wants to vote.**

 **Thank you so much to everyone who's read and reviewed! You guys are awesome!**

 **S.B.**


	4. Fun with Tentacles

**So someone asked me if this story was going to have any lemons in it….**

 ***stares at T rating crouched in the fetal position in the corner***

 **I'm gonna take that as a no... Looks like the poor thing is going through a lot right now.**

* * *

Marco awoke with a jolt at the feeling of another body rustling in the bed next to him.

Yes, that was Star.

Yes, they were now sharing the bed.

 _NO!_ Nothing happened! And Marco was praying to whatever god was out there that he could keep it that way.

Now, you are probably wondering, why wasn't he sleeping on the couch? Well, there was a funny story about that. And by funny, we mean mentally _scarring._

You see, sleeping on the couch worked. At first. For all of, like, 3 nights until…

"Marco?" Came Rafael's voice from the stairs. "Why are you sleeping on the couch?"

"Oh, dad, you know..." Marco awkwardly replied "It's just so... comfortable. That old bed up there, it's hard as a rock. Plus, it's a little cramped up in my little room for two people, so I thought it best if I just sleep down here. Forever."

"What?" Came the Father's confused response. "But didn't Star completely remake your room into a palace fit for a king? Complete with a giant _extremely_ comfortable four poster bed?"

"Wait, how would you know how comfortable it is?"

Rafael let out a nervous laugh as he glanced awkwardly off to the side. "Uh, well…"

*Que flashback*

"The kids are away at school, the parents will play." The latino man growled playfully at his wife as she was carrying a basket of laundry down the hall.

Angie playfully swatted him away with a giggle. "Oh you naughty man. Let me finish putting away the laundry first." She stated as she opened the door to Marco's room. "Oh!"

The two took one look at the giant four poster bed before looking to each other exchanging suggestive glances.

*End flashback*

"Never mind that." Rafael replied waving the flashback away. "The point is you have a beautiful room that your beautiful fiance went through all the trouble to make perfect for the two of you to share together. The least you can do is sleep there!"

Now it was Marco's turn to glance awkwardly to the side. Oh boy. "I, uh, well, I mean honestly dad, this whole marriage thing aside, don't you think it's just a _little_ inappropriate for me and Star to be sharing a bed? We are only 16 after all. You don't want your son to end up on some reality TV show do you?"

"Oh Marco. _I_ think I see what's going on here."

"You do?" the boy asked confused.

"It's okay, everyone's a little nervous their first time."

"Uhhhhh..."

Rafael walked over to the couch, taking a seat and placing his arm around his son, "I think it's about time you and I had a little talk."

"Oh dad," Marco quickly replied removing his father's arm from his shoulder. "but I think you're forgetting, we already had that talk. Remember? When I was 13? My health teacher made you sign a completion certificate?"

"Oh Marco, I wasn't talking about that talk. I was talking about the _other_ talk. The _second_ talk."

"...There's a second 'talk'?"

"Of course! After all, intercourse is a lot more that just personal health tidbits and how the pieces fit together. Making love to a woman my son, is an _art._ "

Marco's eyes widened as he got up from the couch. "Okay, I think I've had enough of this 'second talk' now..."

"Oh Marco," Rafael continued, getting up as well to 'gently' start guiding his son back to the stairs. "Everyone's first time always starts off awkward and a bit underwhelming, but it doesn't have to be. Which is why I'm going to do for you what my dad did for me when I was your age. Pass on some useful words of wisdom to help make the special moment memorable."

Before Marco knew what happened, they were suddenly up the stairs and outside the door to his room as his father finished up his little 'talk' while shoving Marco into the bedroom with Star.

"And remember, they may say nice guys finish last, but a true gentleman always makes sure _she_ , haha, "finishes" _first_. If you know what I mean. What am I saying? Of course you do!" The man patted his son on the cheek right before slamming the door shut behind him.

Between the traumatizing memories of his dad giving him sex tips, and the fear of what Star might try to do to him while he was sleeping, Marco had barely gotten any rest in the past week.

But rest, _smest_! It was time for him to train for his upcoming karate tournament!

"Nothing is going to get in the way of me beating that Jeremy!" he announced with glee as he stacked a bunch of wood planks onto a couple cinder blocks in his room. The lack of sleep may have been messing with his judgement a little. "Hi ya! _Ooowww!"_

…

" _Broken!?_ I can't have a broken arm! I have to beat Jeremy in my karate tournament!" Marco shouted from the bed, his right arm now in a cast.

"Is it just me, or is it just a little wrong to be so excited at beating up an eight year old?" Star asked as she stood over by the mirror messing with her hair.

"Says the girl who almost tried to kill an entire high school football team last week."

"Please, that's _so_ not the same thing. Those kids barely even looked like teenagers. Pretty sure most of them were in their mid twenties."

"Nah, that's just how high school's portrayed these days. Anyway, this is _terrible!_ " Marco continued to bemoan.

Star suddenly turned around getting an idea. "Hey, I know! Why don't _I_ fix it with a little _magic_. Huh?" She suggested, holding up her wand.

Marco looked a little hesitantly at the wand. "Uh yeah, I'm not so sure about that."

"Yeah," Star responded as she used the want to scratch a spot on her back. "Come to think about it, healing bones really doesn't sound like something that would be in my forte. Hmm, I know! Maybe there's a spell for healing bones in the magic spell book!"

Marco sat up for a moment. "Wait, you have a spell book?"

"Well _duh_ , of course I have a spell book. Magic wand, magic spell book. They kind of go hand in hand." The princess crouched over by the bed reaching underneath it. "I keep it right over here."

" _Whoa..._ " Marco responded as he watched the princess pull out a huge tome from under the bed that was almost the size of the girl herself. "Okay, I can see how you managed to grab the wand off your mom without her noticing. But how in the world did you manage to make off with _this_ too?"

"Oh Marco, you and your 'hows.'" The princess opened the book and began flipping through the pages, a huge cloud of dust coming off of it as she did. "There's bound to be a spell in here somewhere for healing broken bones, but it might take a while to find. It's kind of a disorganized mess. You see whenever a butterfly queen creates a new spell she just jots it down right here… somewhere. Speaking of which i should probably jot down some of mine."

"What Spells?" Marco responded as he hopped off the bed to help her look through the book. "Half the things you shout are just pokemon moves."

Star ignored him. "Yep, finding a spell to fix your arm is probably gonna take some time..."

"Wait! I think I saw something about bones over there."

"Huh, where?"

Marco reached for the pages and bagan flipping backwards to a page Star recently skipped over. "Right... here. Wait, is that spell written in... red lipstick?"

"Huh? _oh-_ " The two teenagers suddenly turned bright red as they took a closer look at this 'bone' spell. Uh, not quite the "bone' spell they were looking for at the moment.

"Uh, maybe we'll just save that one for later." Star let out a nervous laugh as she turned the page over before continuing to scan through the book.

"Oh, I know," Marco suddenly spoke up. "Why don't we ask that blue guy?"

"What blue guy?" Star asked looking up at Marco as she thumbed through the pages.

"That blue guy that was there in the book when you were flipping through the pages?"

"Marco, I don't know what you're talking about."

"He was right there. Look I just saw him again."

"Oh Marco, it's my spell book. I think I know how to use it better than you."

"Technically it's your mom's and you stole it from her-"

"Oh look! I found it!" Star announced as she poured over a particular page. "It looks like it's written in an ancient language..."

Marco glanced down at the spell. "That's called _cursive_ Star."

"Okay now stand back." The princess announced as she got up and held out her wand in preparation.

"You know, I'm really starting to have second thoughts right now."

"Oh we all get cold feet the first time."

Star began reciting the incantation as magical rays of light shot out from her wand circling around Marco's arm.

"I'm feeling tingly, is it working?" Marco hesitantly asked as the magic encased his arm. "Wait, why am I suddenly getting a craving for calamari?" and then suddenly with a poof the spell was finished. Well sort of.

"Uh... opsie."

"What? _What did you do to my arm!?_ " Marco suddenly shouted in horror. Oh, his arm certainly wasn't broken anymore. It also wasn't his arm at all anymore! It was now a giant purple monster tentacle... thing.

Star stared wide eyed at what she'd just done. "I uh, I can fix it!" She tried to reassure him. "...I think!"

"You _think!?_ "

"I'm sure there's a spell in here that can fix it. Somewhere. Uh, uh..." The princess frantically began searching through the spell book again.

Marco stared in horror at the new appendage as it wiggled and thrashed around, almost like it had a mind of its own. It suddenly slapped him in the face _"Oof"_ covering him in slimy goo as it slithered down toward an area that threatened to push the rating _way_ past T " _Whoa there!_ " Marco grabbed hold of the tentacle with his other arm attempting to keep the appendage under control "Star, you need to do something!"

"I'm trying! I'm trying!"

The tentacle arm continued to squirm in Marco's grasp. "Star?"

"I'm looking! I'm looking," Star continued flipping through the pages, "Uh, arm spell? Bone spell (wrong bone spell), blue guy, uh-"

Suddenly the tentacle arm broke free from Marco's hold, thrashing the spell book sending it crashing into the window. "Seriously? I just fixed that from Miss Skullnick!" Star turned back to Marco offering him a sheepish smile. "Uh maybe fixing it will have to wait till tomorrow. _Heheh_."

 _"Tomorrow?"_ That meant that on top of everything else, now he had to sleep with this thing too? Marco stood there staring at the arm as it continued to hover around his body, getting close to some… _uncomfortable_ places. "Great, first I was worried about my fiance molesting me in my sleep, now I have to worry about it being my own arm!"

…

The next morning Star walked into the kitchen for breakfast, yawning with bags under her eyes as she greeted Marco.

"I was up all night looking for a spell, still can't find one."

"Great."

"Morning sweetie." His mother greated walking over to her son to over him a kiss on the forehead. "Marco, you look different this morning. Are you trying something new with your hair?

"I think I can tell what's different." His father stated looking up from his newspaper with a suggestive glance at his son. "Eh, eh?"

"Your son has a tentacle for an arm dad."

"And?"

"No, that's pretty much it."

"Are you sur-"

"Yes I'm sure."

….

"Marco, you look... different." Ferguson remarked as he walked up to his friend in the cafeteria

"And tired." Alphonso added. "Like you were up all night."

Ferguson then glanced over to the blonde princess who had fallen asleep on the table. "And so does Star…" Then the red headed boy looked over at Marco with a suggestive glance, _"Eh?"_

"I have a tentacle for an arm Ferguson. How the hell does that translate to me having sex with Star- don't answer that."

Marco sat at the table placing his head in his one good arm. "You don't even want to know the kind of morning I've had. First I got absolutely no sleep last night due to this… _thing_ constantly wiggling around, slapping me in the face and trying to… touch me in places rating guidelines say I'm not supposed to mention."

"Sounds like a great night to me." Janna spoke up taking a seat at their table.

"And you don't even want to know what it tried to do while I was in the shower!"

"What? Did you drop the soap?" the beanie wearing girl asked.

Suddenly Ferguson spoke up with a thought. "If you get raped by your own arm, are you still a virgin?"

Marco opened his mouth about to tell him off but then paused to take a moment to actually contemplate the question. "huh."

"They certainly don't teach you that one in sex ed." Janna piped up.

Suddenly the group was distracted by a voice booming from across the cafeteria.

"Hey you!" A bully shouted at a pudgy nerdy boy in glasses grabbing him by the shirt. "I have deep seated insecurities brought on by a society that promotes toxic masculinity. Gimme your lunch money!"

"Waitwaitwait!" The nerd pleaded. "But I also have deep seated insecurities brought on by a society that promotes toxic masculinity! I just lack the physical intimidation to do anything other than post misogynistic things on the internet!"

"Somebody should do something about that." Ferguson stated.

"Like what?" Janna responded "Start a blog on tumblr?"

"No, I mean like-"

Suddenly Marco's tentacle arm sprung into action. It grabbed the nerd out of the bully's grasp then slapped the bully in the face, picking him up, and slamming him into the nearby garbage can.

"Well, pretty much like that actually." Ferguson finished.

"That was… awesome!" Alphonso shouted as a group of students crowded around Marco and his tentacle arm cheering

"Hey" Marco turned around to none other than _Jackie Lynn Thomas_ walking up to him with a crowd of some other hot (but not as hot) girls from his class. "Can I check out that arm?"

"Uh, sure" he responded flabbergasted.

"I wanna marry it!" Janna announced.

"Me too!" Alphonso added.

Star suddenly woke up, her jealous fiance senses tingling "What? _Janna!"_

"Just the arm." The dark haired girl reassured her. "I wouldn't try to steal Marco away from you."

"I, uh, I was just talking about the arm too." Alphonso replied. "Yeah…"

Star glared at the crowd of girls (and Alphonso) that were crowding around Marco. Especially that 'Jackie Lynn Thomas' "I better find that counter spell fast."

…

Back at home, Star eagerly rushed into the bedroom as Marco was lying on the bed contemplating his life now.

"Hey I found it! the counter spell that can fix your arm!" The princessed announced with glee holding up the book to show him.

Marco looked at the book and then back at Star. "Um, maybe you should practice on something first this time."

"I'm way ahead of you!" The girl reassured him, holding up a banana.

"You're gonna practice on a banana...?"

The girl looked at the banana "Huh? No, this is a snack." she replied as she quickly peeled it and stuffed the whole thing in her mouth. "I'm gonna practice in this!" She stated holding up one of the laser shooting puppies.

Marco's eyes went wide. "What!? Star! That's animal abuse!"

Star glanced down at the puppy in her hands. "Oh, then maybe I should practice on a plant or someth-"

"Yeah I think you should practice on a plant."

Star put the puppy down and then reached over to grab a potted plant. "Alright, let's do this thing!" She held up her wand and began to chant. **"Returnious Armious Normalrini!"**

Suddenly the plant exploded.

"Uhhh…" Star glanced back over at the puppy as it ran away screaming. "I'm going to need more plants..."

…

The next morning...

"Marco! Marco!" The princess shouted rushing into the bedroom carrying a potted plant turned arm. "I did it! I mastered the spell I can fix your arm!"

"Oh." Marco looked over at her. "Yeah. Actually I decided I want to keep it."

 _"What?"_ The blonde princess stood there dumbstruck at what she just heard.

"Yeah, you know what?" Marco began. "I've realized this thing's kind of handy. It has a way longer reach than my old arm. Sit down to watch TV? For get the remote? No problem! And sure we had some… issues in the beginning, but now that I've taken the time to actually talk to it and get to know it-"

"Wait, it... _talked_ to you?"

"It's actually starting to grow on me. I think we've managed to come to an understanding. So I'm keeping it."

The exhausted princess continued to stand there awestruck "But I just spent all-"

"Plus," Marco continued "it's _really_ going to come in handy when I face off against Jeremy at my karate tournament today."

"Wait, you're gonna fight an eight year old with that thing?"

"Yep. I'm gonna fight him. I'm gonna _beat_ him. And then… I'm gonna kill him."

Star stood there for a moment processing what she just heard. "Uh, you mean metaphorically right?"

Marco ignored her, continuing with a psychotic grin forming on his face. "I'm gonna _slaughter_ him! I'm gonna _rip his bowels right out of his body!_ Then I'm gonna _feast_ on his _innards!_ Hahahaha!"

Star suddenly dropped the plant. "Uuuuhhhh, that escalated kind of quickly." Star hesitantly started walking up to the boy. "Um Marco, are you sure you're okay? I feel like that arm might be a bad influence on you."

"Oh _this_ arm?" Marco turned around getting into the princess's face. " _This_ arm has been doing _wonderful_ things for me lately. _Wonderful_ things. And it's about to help md do some more wonderful things. Like _murder_ Jeremy!"

"Uh, you know when I almost murder an entire football team of high schoolers who are actually in their 20's. It's funny. But when you start talking about killing an eight year old and eating his innards, it's _kinda_ creepy."

"Time for school kids!" Angie's voice sounded from down the stairs.

….

"Star are you okay?" Janna asked "You look terrible." They were sitting in their homeroom class.

"I was up all night practicing a spell to fix Marco's arm. Plus I was up all night the _other_ night _looking_ for the spell to fix his arm."

"Well judging by the fact that he still has the sexy tentacle arm, I'm guessing you still have more practicing to do."

"No, I mastered the spell, but now Marco's decided that he wants to keep the arm!"

"Nice!"

"No! Not nice Janna!" Star turned to the beanie wearing girl grabbing her by the shoulders "He's gonna use it during his karate tournament against Jeremy! He's gonna slaughter him!"

"Uh, metaphorically right?"

"Ask him yourself!"

Janna then looked over to Marco who was sitting in his usually seat at the front of class grinning like a maniac repeating "Kill Jermy! Hahah, kill him! Feast on his vital organs! Bath in his blood! Hahaha!" over and over again.

"Uhhh, that's a little much even for me."

"Janna! We have to do something!" Star stated shaking the girl. "This could jeopardize the entire wedding!"

"Because you can't marry a guy with a monster tentacle for an arm?"

"What? Oh no, I don't care about that. Actually that's always been a sexual fantasy of mine. But what I _can't_ marry is a guy who _killed_ an eight year old and then _feasted_ on his innards! My parents wouldn't even let me marry a pigeon, there's no way they'd allow me to marry a cannibalistic child murderer!"

"And that's always been _my_ sexual fantasy."

"I have to fix Marco's arm before his karate tournament today!"

….

"Star, you look _terrible!"_ Ferguson stated as he looked over at the girl approaching them in the bleachers. "Still smash worthy though. Just putting it out there."

They were at Marco's dojo getting ready to watch his tournament.

"Star where have you been?" Janna asked. "I thought you were going to fix Marco's arm before the tournament?"

"I tried but he disappeared after school, then I fell asleep on the bus and ended up somewhere called Orange County. It was _not_ very orange and I'm _very_ disappointed with Earth and their misleading names."

"Well Marco's about to face off against Jeremy so if you're still planning on doing something now would probably be the time to do it."

"I-" Star began but she was interrupted by Marco's Sensei as he addressed the crowd.

"It's time to introduce our first competitor, Jeremy Birnbaum!" The man motioned over to an eight year old boy who eagerly jumped off a stool yelling.

"So that's Jeremy?" Ferguson asked.

"I can see why Marco wants to kill him," Janna responded. "The kid just looks like a little shit."

"Good luck sweetie!" A woman shouted from the front row.

"Shut it! Mom!"

The Sensei continued. "Facing off against...Marco Diaz!"

The crowd then looked over to the other side of the dojo as a brown haired boy approached the mat, dark shadows under his eyes and a slasher smile that looked ready to kill.

"Hey wait," The younger competitor spoke up. "he's got a monster tentacle arm, that's not fair!

"Hmm," The Sensei replied holding up a book to look through it. "Actually I don't think I see anything in the rule book addressing tentacle appendages."

"You need the Japanese version." Ferguson popped up next to him, offering him the other copy.

"Oh, thanks."

Suddenly Marco's tentacle arm sprung into action. It reached out grabbing hold of the eight year old as it flung him around and sent him flying into the mat.

"...Point Diaz."

 _"Yes! Yes!"_ A sinister voice sounded from the arm, as a mouth formed on the appendage. _"Now let's_ finish _him!"_

"Huh, so it can talk." Star remarked.

Marco began approaching the boy as the arm continued to egg him on. _"Do it, finish him!_ Kill _him! Rip his bowels out._ Rape _his body!"._

"Yeah- wait did you say rape?" Marco suddenly spoke up looking at the arm. "Yeah I was fine with the killing and blood bathing and cannibalism, but a guy's gotta draw a line somewhere. So, um, yeah, I'm just gonna go ahead and draw that line here."

 _"What?"_

"Marco Diaz is _not_ ending up on a sex offenders website."

" _Well if you won't do it,"_ The arm responded. _"Then I'll just do it myself!"_

"Uh oh." Marco shouted out to the bleachers as he began trying to wrestle with the arm. "Uh Star, you can change it back now! Uh Star?"

Ferguson, Alphonso, and Janna glanced over at Star who was currently snoring soundly. "She's asleep!" Janna announced.

"Well wake her up!"

"I got this," Ferguson replied. "Sleeping princess? A lifetime of watching Disney movies has prepared me on how to fix that." He stated, pulling out some breath spray.

"Aaand that's sexual assault." Janna replied pushing him aside. "I got this. Hey Star, I just saw gif online where Marco was making out with Jackie Lynn Thomas. _Twice._ "

Star sat up with a jolt. "Wait, _what?_ " Now completely awake she looked around until she spied Marco being strangled by the tentacle.

"Star! The arm!" He choked.

Star immediately started scrambling to hold up her wand. **"Returnious Armious Normalrini!"** but she missed as the monster tentacle lunged out of the way of the blast causing a punching bag to turn into an arm instead. Star continued shouting and trying to hit the arm with the spell but it continued wiggling and dodging each time. Slowly the dojo began to be filled with various disembodied arms.

"Whoa, haven't been surrounded by this many fists since college." Sensei spoke up.

Finally Marco was able to use all the arms to hold down the tentacle arm long enough for Star to get a good shot. "Now!"

 **"Returnious Armious Normalrini!"**

" _You'll never get rid of me."_ The tentacle arm began as it slowly started to shrink and morph away. " _I'm part of you now. You'll always think about me when you drop the soap! And you can be sure that_ it _will never feel the same from this point on!"_

Marco only shrugged his shoulders as he watch the monster tentacle arm disappear. "Meh."

"Marco, are you okay?" Star asked rushing up to him.

"My arm! It's back to normal." He announced holding his arm up.

"Awe," Janna and Alphonso both responded in unison.

Suddenly Marco winced as he dropped his arm back down. "Aaaand it's still totally broken. Ow."

"Broken arm?" And annoying voice sounded behind them. "Well it looks like I win!" Jeremy eagerly announced holding up his arms. But with a _clank_ , something then fell out of one of his gloves.

Sensei looked down at the object. "Brass knuckles? Seriously? That's cheating. Disqualified."

"They're gold." The boy responded. "And seriously, a monster child rapist tentacle arm is considered a-okay but these are considered cheating?"

"Hey, I don't write the rules. You'll have to take that up with Japan."

"Bravo son!" Jeremy's mom shouted with a nervous smile as her son angrily marched out of room.

"Fuck you mom!"

"Wow, what a little shit." Ferguson remarked.

….

Later that night.

"Well it's good to know that everything is finally back to normal!" Star gleefully announced as she pulled the covers back on their extremely comfortable four poster bed. "Now I can finally get some sleep!"

"Yeah, that makes one of us." Marco remarked sitting on the other side of the bed with his newly casted arm.

"And I bet you're happy that you no longer have worry about anything trying to touch you in places rating guidelines say you're not supposed to mention while you're sleeping."

"Uh, yeah…"

Star looked over at her fiance. "Marco, is there something wrong?"

"Uh, well," Marco began not really sure how to say this. "You know... It's just, I'm not used to sharing a bed. With a person. And that person happens to be some magical girl who's trying to marry me. And…"

Star's eyes went wide. "Wait? Marco! Do you think I would try to... do things while you're asleep? Marco! I would _never!_ I don't know what kind of backwards place earth can be, but where I come from we have this thing called _consent_ and we happen to take it very seriously."

"Except when it comes to marriage apparently."

"Psh, being married has nothing to do with sex, just ask my parents."

* * *

 **So as of posting this, I currently have exactly 69 story favs.**

 **Thank you dear readers. _Thank_ you.**


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